Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Top 3 Reasons that I Hate Wire Cube Organizers

3. I always hurt my goddamn fingers trying to either snap these white thingies on or pull them apart.

2. One of the little white doodads that go on the corners will inevitably end up lost somewhere. Or worse, it'll just end up on the floor and I'll step on it in bare feet.

1. Shit falls through the holes. When I took them apart a week ago, I found like seven dollars in change, an earring I'd been looking for, a Wendy's receipt (I still like their JBC's if not their fries) from November 2008 and an entire colony of dustbunnies and bobbypins.

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Number One Piece of Evidence That Sex-Ed Programs Don't Work.

I had to grade health class tests after these sixth graders had taken several months of sex-ed. You wouldn't believe how many kids thought the anus was located on the penis. Too many.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

4 Best Things About Bridal Showers

4. The food. Good God the FOOD.

3. The overwhelming amount of estrogen so that all you hear is women of all ages cooing over babies, chatting about jewelry or gushing about recipes.

2. The lingerie for the bride-to-be and the suggestive attire for the groom-to-be, plus the ensuing whistles and hoots. Hilaarrrious.

1. The fact that all women in attendance will inevitably stop what they're doing to see what gift the bride-to-be has received and be genuinely interested in whatever blender, spatula, or 400-count Egyptian sheet set it has turned out to be, then turn to the other women and comment on it.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

7 Best French Fries

7. KFC - They have fries?

6. Wendy's - It's not often that I just plain don't like fries. Wendy's just doesn't do it for me. They're unpredictable on their squishy and crispy ratio, they can be waaayy too salty, they're usually cold, and they just don't taste good. Poo, Wendy's. I like your chicken nuggets.

5. Steak N Shake - They're good, but they're just so TINY. I don't feel like I'm eating fries at all. I feel like I need to be dainty because they're so delicate. It's just not how a fry should be.

4. Burger King - In my personal experience, they have a very high ratio of crispy to squishy fries, which I do not particularly enjoy. However, I do like that once you get past their crispy exterior, the inside of the fry is quite squishy and delish.

3. Chick fil a - Not only do they taste delicious, but I get to eat them by row by row in their waffly goodness. Sometimes, if I'm feeling crazy, I might even dip them in polynesian or honey mustard!!!! Madness!

2. McDonalds - I mostly love these because they have the highest ratio of squishy fries to crispy fries. I love squishy fries.

1. Five Guys - Deliciously greasy, steaming hot, and overflowing into that brown paper bag, I just cannot resist these babies. Oooo look at all those squishy ones!

Realization: I need to start eating healthier.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Top 5 Best Gmail Themes

5. "Tree" - The aptly named "tree" theme does indeed have but one tree. It also has a gloomy pillow of clouds at the top that makes me sleepy just clicking on my inbox. Meh.

4. "Graffiti" - This one does not get as many points because I just don't think it lives up to its potential. Yeah, it's got some graffiti in the background at the top, but other than that, it's just black. Now, if they moved the graffiti-style google logo to the top, then it would be a front-runner.

3. "Desk" - This one is cute. Way more upbeat than say...the tree. It's like, oh I'm just going to check my email AH how did my desk get on my computer screen!? Oh. Oh wait. It's just gmail. Oh gmail, you fooled me again.

2. "Ninja" - a fan favorite, this one gets major points for its badass gmail logo and overall cool graphics. It also has cute little ninjas prancing about. Props, gmail.

1. "Beach" - this baby actually lets you set your location in the world so that you get to see what the beach might look like there depending on the time of day. For example, I set mine to Honolulu so I see sunrises and sunsets and different times. It's just delightful.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Top 4 Most Interesting Things about Lady Gaga

4. I CANNOT help but do the robot when listening to one of her songs. Now go listen to one and see if you can't.

3. She has a little person who used to impersonate Britney Spears, but now impersonates her instead. Truly a sign of success.

2. Her song "Pokerface" is about her having sex with a man, but thinking about a woman. I'm not going to lie, it makes me think twice about singing it now.

1. She's white. For some reason, I thought she would have been black - maybe because her voice and songs reminded me of Rhianna. My bad.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Top 7 Bonyfish that Look the Most like their Names

Here are top 7 bonyfish that look the most like their names.

7. The hawkfish. Sorry, hawkfish, I'm not really seeing it.

6. The wolf fish. Poor guy. He looks oafish and not that much like a wolf, although his colors are similar.

5. The lizardfish. I bet you thought you'd be number one, lizardfish. Well, guess what, you're not even top three. Yeah you look lizardy, but it's just too easy. Evolutionarily, you're much more closely related to a lizard than old wolfy up there so of course you can look like a lizard. Also I feel bad for the dead fish in your mouth.

4. The peacock fish. I like you, peacock fish. You're pretty and you have those spots like a peacock. Now if you had feathers, I'd be really impressed and much more apt to move you up.

3. The unicorn fish. Obviously, you look like a unicorn. However, you are missing hooves, a mane, a white coat, and your horn should be gold. But props for looking kind of like a mythical creature.

2. Porcupine Fish - You look like a porcupine and I feel really bad for you that you can't have hugs. Unless you hug other porcupine fish, if it works that way.

1. The parrot fish. Look at you, parrotfish. You do like quite like a parrot! You have the color, the eyes, and it looks like you have a beak. Well done, parrotfish, well done.